How to Know a Person
A different model of heroism
Consider the New Year’s resolutions you’ve made in past years. If you’re like most people, many of them are self-focused: eating healthier, getting back into the gym, meditating, maybe learning a new hobby or skill. By focusing on ourselves and “doing the work,” we try to make ourselves happier and more fulfilled.
In How to Know a Person, David Brooks argues that we’ve got it wrong: we should be more other-focused; other people and relationships are the key to our happiness, fulfillment, and even our own-self improvement.
Key ideas
The key focus of the book is on how to connect more deeply with others, making them feel seen and heard. I thought the most interesting idea in the book was what I wrote in the intro: the idea of an other-focused worldview, which has a few components:
Character as being other-centered. We typically think about character and heroism in terms of an individual’s attributes: personal courage, self-control, and resolve. But Brooks suggests that character is about how we interact with others: are we considerate to them in small moments? Are we present with them when we speak? Are we next to them helping them out when they need them? I thought this was a refreshing and different take. Self improvement can feel very individualistic and almost “appified” - wake up early, go to the gym, use a meditation app, use a journaling app, etc, etc. But in reality, much of who we are is how we engage with others and make them feel.
Introspection is overrated: Most people will have moments of crisis in their lives - losing a job, a rough breakup, facing some kind of setback. In these moments, we’re often tempted to “work on ourselves” and solve our problems through introspection. But, Brooks argues, introspection is overrated: we can’t fully see and understand ourselves. We’re too close to our problems. We might choose the wrong solution or spend time ruminating and spiraling. Instead, we get through our crises with the hold of other people, who encourage us, make us feel seen, and help clarify our own insights.
Specific advice for “seeing others deeply”
Be an illuminator, not a diminisher
Illuminators make people feel seen and valued. As Brooks puts it, “you meet somebody who seems wholly interested in you, who gets you, who helps you name and see things in yourself that maybe you hadn’t even put into words, and you become a better version of yourself.”
Diminishers are the opposite: they aren’t really interested in you and do not make you feel seen or listened to.
Why aren’t we all illuminators and great listeners ? What gets in the way of good listening?
Lesser minds: we think other people are less interesting and complex than us. Not out of any malevolence, but because we have access to our deepest thoughts and feelings, our hopes, dreams, and contradictions. With others, we only have access to what they show us. And think about your thoughts and feelings: how much of these do you share with the world?
We stop paying attention to people we know well: studies show that the longer couples have been married, the less well they know each other. This might be because they assume their spouse hasn’t changed or that they know everything about them
Okay, so how do we actually connect with people?
Accompaniment: just being around and spending time with people. It’s hard to talk about the big things if you don’t talk about the little things. It’s hard to necessarily get into the deep stuff with somebody immediately
Attention as an on / off switch, not as a dimmer. When you're paying attention to somebody, fully engage and devote 100% of your attention to them, rather than being only partially focused.
Conversational “midwives” – there are times where a conversation is an equal exchange between people, and times when it’s about one person talking through something or figuring something out. In those cases, the other person acts as a 'midwife,' helping the speaker sort through their thoughts. You aren’t there to offer a ton of insights, but just to help guide the other person. And that’s fine.
Avoid asking vague questions like How's it going? or What's up? - while these seem open-ended, they don't convey genuine interest
Thoughts and reactions
I appreciated this book overall, primarily for its high-level ideas on the importance of others. As mentioned above, it’s very easy to subscribe to an app-ified version of self improvement where you meditate every morning, log your steps and meals during the day, and write in your gratefulness journey app before bed. Connecting and co-creating with others is much harder, riskier, and messier - but worth it. I thought the idea of the illuminator was a great thing to aspire to.
I thought some of the specific chapters on how to connect with others were OK and found some of the books from my friendship reading more helpful.
Overall, I think a lot of the content in this book falls into the “easy to know, hard to execute category” which also includes things like eating healthy or keeping it together around your kids all the time. Most high-functioning people recognize the importance of being present in conversations and taking a general interest in people. But this is really hard to do!