The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
What do good marriages have to teach us about people skills?
This might seem like a strange book to write about, but this book is useful for anyone interested in improving all of their relationships and better connecting with others.
Rating: 4/5
Who should read it: Anyone interested in improving relationships with others. Especially relevant if you’re interested in relationship dynamics between spouses / partners.
John Gottman is a relatively well-known psychologist who focuses on marriage and relationships. In a 1992 study, he claims he predicted with 94% accuracy which couples out of a sample set of 150 would be divorced.
I had read excerpts of this book in a class I took on “interpersonal dynamics,” but had never read the whole thing.
Key takeaways
The key driver to any marriage is to generate and sustain “good vibes” (my term) through constant affection / affirmation / appreciation. You want to “turn towards” your spouse as opposed to away from them
BIDS are when someone makes a “bid” for your attention / acknowledgement – can be as simple as “that’s a cute dog over there.” And the response can simply be, “yes it is.” Ignoring bids is worse than disagreeing with somebody
Marital conflict is inevitable and often unsolvable – having good vibes allows you to get through these much more smoothly
The quicker you acknowledge that your partner is who they are, the happier you’ll be
A related concept is the “repair,” which is when one party attempts to defuse / de-escalate a conflict (complement, humors, apologies). This is important, and happy couples are skilled at repair. Unhappy couples, though, will continuously escalate a conflict or disagreement
You want to avoid contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling, which is what Gottman calls the “Four Horseman” – these create a feedback loop where negativity leads to more negativity between the couple. Eventually, one or both members of the relationship will stonewall, and stop engaging at all, which is even worse than fighting. Divorce often follows.
Thoughts and learnings for life outside of marriage
A lot of this is likely marriage specific. Contempt is an emotion hopefully not present in most people’s work lives / family lives (most instances of contempt I’ve seen have been between couples, even happy ones). Marriage is a pretty unique and complex set-up that leads to a lot of high highs and low lows. Gottman has specific sections on common marital challenges like kids, intimacy, and in-laws. That being said, there are a few principals that do resonate more broadly:
I liked the idea of an “emotional bank account” where the goodwill and positive energy you accumulate with someone gets you through the hard times.
The nuance here is that it’s hard to build this quickly and trying to do so can come across as transparent. When somebody is nice to you because they want a favor, you kind of wish they just asked you for the favor
People won’t change - you can only change your behavior. This is perhaps the most frustrating part of relationships in general. We might want our friends, colleagues, partners, and families to act in slightly different ways. They might have habits we find annoying or personality traits which rub us the wrong way. But the only way we can address this is by changing our own behavior, which just seems unfair - “why should I have to do anything differently if they’re the one that’s wrong.” But according to Gottman, the quicker you can get rid of this way of thinking, the happier you’ll be
The concept of bids - people are constantly vying for our acknowledgement and validation, and by simply responding, we can improve our relationships. Bids don’t have to be super dramatic - they can be as small as a text message from a friend or a coworker asking if you want to get coffee with them. It’s impossible to respond to 100% of bids, but being aware of them can be helpful and can help you appreciate how often people are trying to connect with you
Marriage (and other relationships) are driven by self-perpetuating feedback loops - both for healthy relationships and unhealthy ones. It’s hard to have the self awareness and discipline to pull yourself out of a negative spiral with someone, but doing so can be hugely valuable. As mentioned above, de-escalating or being able to change the vibe of an interaction from negative to positive is a valuable skill
There’s an anecdote in the book about a wife who surprises her doctor husband with a picnic in his office. He’s nasty to her, but what shocks her is how quickly he switches to being kind and pleasant to a resident who has a question and how quickly he snaps back to being mean to her
Even if we’re not like that, how often are we the least kind to the people who matter most to us and we spend the most time with? (this can be family, but also work colleagues, friends, etc). Or put otherwise, why do we spend so much of our emotional energy with people who matter less? Plenty of people are “on” all day for work and don’t bring their best selves home. Does it have to be this way?
I think the book is worth skimming by most people. A lot of the book is exercises you’re supposed to do with your spouse / partner (“enhance your love maps”), so the actual content / “lessons” is fairly quick.