Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come
Adventures in "extroverting"
Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come: One Introvert's Year of Saying Yes by Jessica Pan (274 pages)
“Any shy introvert worth their salt has invariably done the following: thrown a ringing phone across the room, faked being sick, walked into a networking event and immediately backed out, and pretended not to speak English when approached in a bar…”
So tells us Jessica Pan at the beginning of Sorry I’m Late. Pan is a self-described “shy introvert” who lives in London where she doesn’t have a ton of good friends nearby.
She wants to have a “bigger life” with more meaningful connections - in other words, she vows to “extrovert” for a year. As part of this journey, she does things such as:
Improv
Public speaking
Stand-up comedy
Friend dating via (e.g., Bumble BFF)
Solo travel for a weekend without knowing anyone
These adventures help her make some friends and become more comfortable speaking with strangers. By the end of the book, she’s hosting a successful dinner party for friends she’s met along the way - but, in true introvert fashion, is completely wiped once it’s over.
I’m Sorry is a classic “experience book” - where an author tries to live differently - whether by learning new things, enhancing their productivity, or living more “biblically." The books usually combine the author retelling their personal experience while weaving in some science and quotes from expert interviews along the way. They’re generally an interesting way to learn about a new topic - and you feel accomplished just reading them, like you’re living vicariously through the author and going on their journey with them.
As an introvert who has tried to become less introverted, this book definitely resonated with me. People love to talk about the book Quiet and how great introverts and introversion really are, but my (and maybe other’s) opinion is that extroverts are happier - and if you are an introvert, you should practice extroversion at times. In the weeks after reading this book, I did a couple of extrovert-y things that felt like risks to me that I might not have done otherwise.
“Introverts crave closeness but often dislike putting themselves in situations that are likely to initiate new relationships,” writes Pan, in what I thought was the most powerful sentence of the book. Rich relationships are what makes life meaningful - especially for introverts - and it’s hard to develop these relationships if you don’t like to spend time around others or initiate relationships with people you don’t know.
One point she mentions in passing is that many of her close friends have moved away. I think this is an important point - if you spend your whole life in the same town, extraversion is probably less important as you’ve known your friends your whole life. But, if like many of us, you move from city to city for different jobs / opportunities, the ability to make friends quickly is important.
A few other observations:
A key part of her “playbook” seems to be trying / embarrassing situations and realizing that 1) people won’t care and 2) if they do, you’ll be OK and life will go on. A key fear a lot of introverts likely have is rejection / embarrassment in social situations. This is similar to the idea in Beginners that being bad at something (even if it’s embarassing) is not the end of the world, which is empowering and can encourage you to take more risks
There is a “flywheel” effect with being friendly / approachable: if you are friendly, you generally look more approachable, which will lead to you having more friends and being more comfortable around others. This will lead people to further identify you as a friendly person and want to be your friend.
The question, of course, is: “how do you start the flywheel?”
As one challenge, she goes to Budapest for a weekend alone and tries to make friends, and ends up having an OK, not great, time. I found this refreshing as most people will not enjoy every social situation they are in and it’s OK to acknowledge that
I also appreciated the part of the book about “friend dating” and how hard it is - it’s almost like real dating, where you need to have some amount of “chemistry” with the other person. It also takes time - one study estimates that you need to spend 50 hours with someone to be casual friends, 90ish to be true friends, and 200+ to be good friends. We all “friend date” and might have our share of rejections here - and in a way, it’s much messier than actual dating as you often never explicitly discuss where you are with somebody and there are far less rules (e.g., who is the one that does the “asking out”?)
I loved her aspiration of wanting to have a “bigger life” - what a great way to sum up what all of us are looking for!
She makes the point that introverts can think about other people in all or nothing terms: “people are either a very close friend or a total stranger.” In reality, many people can be between these two extremes and still enrich our lives. In addition, a casual friendship can sometimes “upgrade” to be close friendship if you give it enough time
The most “useful” chapter was the one on attending networking events. Some practical pieces of advice:
Stay for a while - introverts take a while to warm up, so if you leave after 10 minutes, you’re not helping yourself
Arrive early or on time - when you show up late, the crowd feels “impenetrable” and forbidding
Try to speak with 3 people and make 1 decent connection
Think of yourself as the “host” - can you make other people feel comfortable?
Some additional thoughts on introversion
As I mentioned above, I would definitely consider myself an introvert, though push myself to be more extroverted than my set point. A few things that I’ve tried to keep in mind:
There are big advantages to having rich relationships and broader social networks. Friends are the obvious one. But there are many things in life where just knowing lots of people is helpful - e.g., trying to find a babysitter or a new doctor, getting an employee referral to a job you’re interested in. For whatever reason, the modern world is “set up” in a way that probably favors extroverts
There are ways to build relationships in more introvert friendly styles (more 1:1 interactions, “deeper conversations”) that introverts should definitely leverage
But at the same time, it’s an extrovert’s world, so you will have to accept being uncomfortable at times. To use a different analogy, your “operating system” might be introvert, but the majority of people out there aren’t like you. To borrow a concept from the marriage book I wrote about a couple of months ago, making friends requires you to make “bids,” which is an intrinsically risky and extroverted thing to do
You can push yourself to be more outgoing / social, but if you’re an introvert, you might still be tired / exhausted by the end of it. That’s OK. I think if you’re an introvert, you just have to accept that there is a limit to how much you can be around people and know what that limit is
There’s only so much you can change who you are and what you enjoy. You can definitely change your behavior, but I think changing your preferences is pretty hard (e.g., can you become the kind of person who enjoys big crowds and lots socializing)? As mentioned above, the best you can do is try to create environments that you enjoy being in and that you do well in
Finally, there are definitely advantages to being an introvert (and not being an extrovert):
Comfort with being alone and a sense of self-sufficiency - some extroverts need to be around people to be happy. This reliance on other people can be pretty difficult, especially during covid or other periods of isolation
If you’re an extrovert or known as a “people person,” others might expect you to be “on” all the time or hold you to a higher standard, which I imagine can be exhausting
Ability to spend a long period of time reading / doing solo tasks while enjoying them
Being able to see through people who are overly “sales-y” or “slick” who other people love - there is a type of person who is very popular whose charm doesn’t “work” on introverts. On the flipside, there is probably a personality type that introverts trust too much (other introverts?)